Separate, we are all vulnerable. Together we are unbeatable.

Harvey called this his “coalition of the us’s” — not only gays but blacks, Asians, seniors, the disabled. He understood the interconnectedness of our common struggles.

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What Would Harvey Milk Think If He Were Alive Today?

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost’s signature lineup of contributors

Posted: 05/22/2013 12:12 pm

By Dustin Lance Black

Founding board member, American Foundation for Equal Rights (AFER); Academy Award-winning screenwriter, ‘Milk’

Today is Harvey Milk Day in California.

And I’m left to wonder what Harvey would say if he were here.

I imagine he’d start by saying that this day isn’t about him. For Harvey, it was always about the movement, never about ego.

He’d likely say that this day is for the kids out there in Altoona, Pa., who still feel that what makes them different makes them “less than” and are feeling hopeless. He’d tell anyone who would listen that they must come out and stand up — and send that young person a much-needed message of hope.

But I’m afraid that the next thing Harvey might ask is, “What has happened to the coalitions we started building?”

Because as proud as I am of the work that so many brave people have done to come out and share their stories, I’m afraid that we have neglected one of the most critical pieces of Harvey Milk’s successful political philosophy.

Harvey Milk was not myopic when it came to his equality. If he had been, he never would have been elected. Harvey was a pure populist. He worked hard for all people who have been made to feel “less than,” and all minorities whom the system wasn’t working for.

Early on, he backed the unions in the Coors beer boycott in the ’70s, forging an unexpected alliance between gays and union truck drivers. He went into Chinese communities and made sure that the ballots were written in Mandarin instead of in English. He fought for seniors and the homeless.

It seems that the message we too often miss from Milk’s work is that all Americans have an interest in equality because soon we will all be minorities in some way or another; it just depends on how we slice the pie.

Separate, we are all vulnerable. Together we are unbeatable.

Harvey called this his “coalition of the us’s” — not only gays but blacks, Asians, seniors, the disabled. He understood the interconnectedness of our common struggles.

The idea was simple but brilliant. Harvey believed that people who are very different deserve equal protection. And he knew that if we were ever going to win that freedom and keep it, we had to stick together.

When I wrote the movie Milk, I focused mostly on Harvey’s call to send a message of hope to the young LGBT people who were suffering, likely because I had grown up feeling a lot like that isolated kid from Altoona.

But here’s the thing: I grew up gay, but I also grew up Mormon and in Texas. I grew up with a single mother who walked with crutches because of polio. And we had no money. I was a free-lunch kid. We were different in so many ways beyond just the gay thing. So why didn’t I shine a brighter light on Harvey’s “coalition of the us’s”? It’s one of my few regrets with the portrayal.

Because the bottom line is this: We in the LGBT movement have a long way to go when it comes to joining together with other groups who are seeking equal opportunity and equal protections. Too often I witness a myopia that I fear may keep us from crossing the finish line of full equality and leave any gains we make feeling impermanent.

Never has this been clearer to me than in these weeks leading up to the Supreme Court’s ruling on full marriage equality. With a true coalition, every citizen, regardless of sexual orientation, would understand that this isn’t simply a gay and lesbian fight but a fight for justice and equality for anyone who has ever been singled out as second-class.

When the Supreme Court does get it right, it should be clear that this is a victory for everyone who has ever felt different in some way, which increasingly means every single one of us. But if it continues to leave gay and lesbian families vulnerable, it is making all families vulnerable.

Now more than ever, we need organizations and individuals to do the hard work to rebuild, build out and strengthen our coalitions and reach out and find commonality with unexpected new allies.

We need the “us’s” to stand together publicly with our voices raised to remind the world that this nation is strong because of our differences, not despite them.

Because when the day comes that the U.S. Supreme Court rules for full equality for gays and lesbians, it should not send a message of hope solely to LGBT young people. It should be clear that the court has sent a message of hope to every young person who has ever felt “less than” for being different.

“It’s taken me a long time to figure out exactly where I fit. During that journey, I realized that everyone has a unique place in this world.”
– Brittney Griner, The New York Times, 5/6/13

“Circumstances are different in every country, but the message and intention or our Project remain the same: our goal is to make sure LGBT youth worldwide know that there are other people like them, a community waiting to accept them, and people who’ve overcome incredible challenges to live amazing lives – and no matter what it does get better.”

 Elliot Rozenberg
Director, International Program
It Gets Better Project

Today is International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia

Worldwide, individuals and organizations are working to raise awareness and to advocate for ways that we can make it better for LGBT people. We’re proud to take part in IDAHO and encourage you to get involved today:

As we continue to expand our international efforts, we’re also excited to announce our first affiliate in Eastern Europe – It Gets Better Moldova, known locally as Egali.

Our Italian affiliate, Le Cose Cambiano, has also recently launched. Be sure to check out both of their websites and follow them, as well as our twelve other international affiliates, on social media! To learn more about all of our international affiliates, go to:http://www.itgetsbetter.org/international.

AUSTRALIA	CHILE (LATIN AMERICA)	DENMARK	ITALY
JAMAICA (COMING SOON)	MOLDOVA	MONTERREY, MEXICO (COMING SOON)	PARAGUAY
PORTUGAL	PUERTO RICO	SPAIN	SWEDEN
SWITZERLAND

Working with Egali and Le Cose Cambiano are just the latest in our work to share messages of hope in regions of the world where LGBT youth lack support, resources and acceptance.

Speaking about our growing global network, the It Gets Better Project’s Board Chairman, Seth Levy, was recently interviewed by Radio Free Europe about our efforts to help LGBT youth worldwide.

Circumstances are different in every country, but the message and intention or our Project remain the same: our goal is to make sure LGBT youth worldwide know that there are other people like them, a community waiting to accept them, and people who’ve overcome incredible challenges to live amazing lives – and no matter what it does get better.

We look forward to sharing more exciting updates with you and appreciate your continued support of the It Gets Better Project and our growing International Program.

Sincerely,

Elliot Rozenberg
Director, International Program
It Gets Better Project

Rhode Island Legalizes Gay Marriage

Posted: 05/02/2013 6:54 pm EDT

HuffPost Gay Voices

Rhode Island became the tenth U.S. state to legalize same-sex marriage Thursday with a 56-15 vote.

Just before he signed the legislation into law, Gov. Lincoln Chafee took to the steps of the Rhode Island State House, where he told a jubilant crowd, “Today we are making history … we are living up to the ideals of our founder.”

He went on to note, “When your belief and heart is in something, it’s easy work. I am proud to say that now, at long last, you are free to marry the person you love.”

Echoing those sentiments was Rhode Island House Speaker Gordon Fox, who teared up noted, “True equality is something that is inherently human.”

Fox, who is openly gay, spoke about his longtime partner Marcus. He then added, “We’re not going to be talking about same-sex marriage anymore, we’re going to be talking about marriage.”

As the Associated Press is reporting, the new law will take effect on Aug. 1.

Posted: 15 Apr 2013 06:53 PM PDT

‘When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ — Mister Rogers

What wise and comforting words for all of us in times of tragedy, such as the horrific events at the Boston Marathon. Doesn’t this gently turn our eyes from the terrible images on the news to ones of care, compassion, and selflessness — often in the same tv or computer screen? By doing this, ever so subtly, we are choosing to focus on all that is good not evil — all that represents love not terror.

And then, as we linger gratefully on the helpers, we are better prepared to be helpers and healers too, by offering our deepest prayers of loving support for the affected families, their loved ones, and Boston’s selfless first-responders. Every prayer is needed, every prayer helps and heals.

When you are tempted to sink into a slough of questions or despair, pause — stand instead with the helpers in Boston and be a witness to the power of Love to minister to the wounded, comfort the fearful, and guide those who will correct the injustice.

The Psalmist, who knew first-hand the effects of terror, offers this timeless message of the supreme power to protect and comfort, especially in moments of devastation.

“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 

I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. 

Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. 

He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. 

Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; 

Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

…For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.” —Psalm 91

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God give to them more of His dear love that heals the wounded heart.

Mary Baker Eddy

(“The First Church of Christ, Scientist, and Miscellany,” p. 257).

Our mental health is not dependent on the presence or absence of a human father.

Now I understood that I had a Father that would always be with me.  That Father was God.  He would love me unconditionally, guide my life and protect me.

Tim Mitchinson,  Illinois COP

Sentinel Audio chat –  “Real Fatherhood”

8:04

‘Accept’ and ‘Tolerate’ My Gay Kid? That’s Not Good Enough

Posted: 04/07/2013 8:54 am

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost’s signature lineup of contributors

Amelia

Mother, wife, partner and breadwinner

Note: “Amelia” is a pseudonym chosen to keep her family’s identity anonymous.

Last month U.S. Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) reversed his stance on gay marriage, largely because his son is gay, and although I felt like I should have been happy about it, it left a bad taste in my mouth. Of course, I’m happy that there is another senator willing to support the civil rights of all U.S. citizens, but my knee-jerk reaction was, “Oh, you support gay marriage now because it directly affects your family? Well, guess what, Mr. Senator: The rest of our kids matter too.” I know that that thought was not generous, and I’m not proud of it, but my frustration is real, and the problem of homophobia is real.

Then U.S. Rep. Matt Salmon (R-Ariz.) made his own announcement. It turns out that he has a gay son too, but his opposition to marriage equality is not going to change. He also made a point to say that he loves his son. A few days later his son did an interview in which he spoke about how his father loves him and is incredibly tolerant. Now I wasn’t frustrated; I was furious. I was furious at this father for putting his politics before the rights of his kid, and I was furious that his child felt the need to defend his father when his father sure as hell isn’t defending him.

But when I let my temper simmer down and took a step back, I saw that this is an issue that goes far beyond two GOP politicians and their kids.

I’ve been fortunate enough to hear from gay kids all across the country. A lot of them don’t have supportive families, but some do. I cherish the good stories, but there’s often a moment in those good stories that makes my heart hurt: when they tell me how happy they are that their parents “still” love them — because all those kids knew that not loving them was an option.

With politicians there is a lot talk of “acceptance” and “tolerance” when it comes to homosexuality, and I can’t help but think that those are the wrong words. I accept the fact that I have to pay taxes. I tolerate the fact that I have to go to the dentist. Why should either of those words apply to how a parent feels about their child?

Parenting is one of the true choices that we have; it’s something that we all choose intentionally. Sure, people can become pregnant when that wasn’t their plan, but carrying that child to term is a choice. Parenting the child once he or she is born is a choice. No one has to do it. And with parenting come obligations, and the number-one job of any parent is to love their child. Period.

Hate is also a choice. People choose to hate what they don’t understand, what scares them and what their religion tells them is wrong. (And speaking of religion, that’s a choice too.) Nothing about hate is inherent. And it is always a tragedy when anyone chooses to let their hate make their decisions for them.

But what is not a choice? Being gay. I once had a girl write to me saying that she prays every night to be made straight, because then her family could be happy again. Anyone who thinks that a child would make the choice to be gay is obtuse and not worth engaging in a discussion of the issue.

Gay people happen. That means that gay children happen, and gay children can be born to anyone or adopted into any family. If someone is not prepared to love a gay child, then what business do they have parenting children at all? After all, they can’t perform the number-one job.

Some may feel that it is possible to love a person and not accept that he or she is gay. I don’t think so. Loving a person means loving a whole person. We don’t get to pick and choose the parts. Sure, we can hate the fact that someone is always 20 minutes late, or be infuriated about a 15-year-old’s new nose ring. But those aren’t defining characteristics. Our orientation is a fundamental part of who we are. Loving someone but hating the fact that he or she is gay would be like loving someone but hating the fact that he or she has arms or legs.

And what about those parents who do “accept” and “tolerate” their gay children? I guess that’s better than it could be. They’re better parents than those who throw their children out of the house or abuse them for being gay. But does any kid deserve to settle for mere acceptance or tolerance from his or her parents? Words like “accept” and “tolerate” do not indicate good things; in the context of homosexuality, they imply that there is something wrong with being gay that parents have to put up with. That is not a good message.

Every child deserves to be loved for exactly who they are, so I think it’s about time that we change how we talk about our gay children. Let’s abolish the words “accept” and “tolerate” and replace them with “cherish” and “celebrate.” When we cherish and celebrate who our children are, then maybe the scared gay kids in this country will stop worrying about whether their parents will “still” love them and will simply know they are loved unconditionally.

. . . “great coaches do it not by intimidation and contempt” such as Rice exhibited, but by “letting them know they believe in them, encouraging them, pushing them in an appropriate way.”

Jim Thompson

Founder and CEO of nonprofit Positive Coaching alliance

2:39

Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice and the evolution of ‘tough love’

The reaction to video footage of the tirades by Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice suggests that the public is no longer willing to give coaches broad leeway when they turn to abusive tactics.

By Stacy Teicher Khadaroo, Staff writer / April 4, 2013

Calls continued to mount Thursday for the athletic director and even the president of Rutgers University in New Jersey to be fired for not taking tough measures sooner against men’s basketball coach Mike Rice, who was fired Wednesday for his violent treatment of players after ESPN brought video footage to light.

Many see the initial discipline Mr. Rice received as a slap on the wrist and suggest it points to a double standard in the treatment of big-time coaches compared with other educators. But the incident is also prompting dialogue about broader societal issues – including the tolerance of antigay and gender-based slurs in sports, and whether the desire to build “toughness” in athletes too often turns into a destructive stream of negative feedback.

The reaction to the video at Rutgers and nationwide, some say, shows signs of shifting social views on what is good, hard-nosed coaching designed to push players to improve and behavior that is simply petulant bullying.

Years ago, Rice’s behavior might have been shrugged off by many as “tough love,” but this time, “there was a certain sense of outrage” expressed by everyone from sports commentators to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, says Dan Lebowitz, executive director of Northeastern University’s Sport in Society, which advocates for social responsibility in sports.

While Rice’s behavior may have been extreme, the content of his tirades against players points to aspects of school athletics that should be challenged and reformed, Mr. Lebowitz says.

Not only did he use antigay slurs, but he also used demeaning epithets suggesting that his players were acting like women. “It raises the question of the construct of manhood in athletics and elsewhere,” Lebowitz says. “There’s a code of toughness in men’s athletics,” with players perhaps not coming forward about Rice because of a fear of being thought of as wimpy or unmanly.

For the same reason, pro athletes rarely come out as gay before retiring, Lebowitz says.

Many students who are gay or don’t conform to gender stereotypes don’t find welcoming environments in physical education classes or sports teams, long before they start college. More than half of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) students ages 13 to 20 were bullied or harassed in PE class, and more than a quarter of LGBT student athletes were harassed or assaulted while participating with a team, according to a 2011 national survey of more than 8,000 students by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN).

While coaches often pride themselves on being mentors to students, 75 percent of LGBT students said they were uncomfortable talking to their PE teachers or coaches about LGBT issues.

The Rice incident “speaks to the work we need to do [in K-12] to make sure our coaches and physical education teachers are not emulating that kind of behavior, and are creating more respectful environments,” says Robert McGarry, GLSEN’s director of education.

GLSEN offers the Team Respect Challenge, giving tools to teams that pledge to create a respectful and inclusive environment. At Walter Johnson High School in Bethesda, Md., for example, every team has taken the challenge, thanks largely to coach and social studies teacher Chris Murray, Mr. McGarry says.

Negativity in coaching is a long-standing cycle that needs to be interrupted, says Jim Thompson, founder and CEO of the nonprofit Positive Coaching Alliance.

“Most people coach the way they were coached, or the way they see big-time coaches on TV coach…. There’s a thought that you have to be negative or hard on players.”

His organization emphasizes that coaches can be intense without being negative – and that they’ll get better results by filling their players’ “emotional tanks” with positive reinforcement, so that they’ll be ready to learn from legitimate criticism.

Getting players out of their comfort zone is important to help them grow, Mr. Thompson says, but from sports psychology research it’s clear that “great coaches do it not by intimidation and contempt” such as Rice exhibited, but by “letting them know they believe in them, encouraging them, pushing them in an appropriate way.”

With 10 chapters around the country, the group gives about 1,500 workshops a year to coaches, parents, students, and youth sports leaders, and demand is growing, Thompson says.

He also sees a growing recognition of for college coaches who bring home wins through positive coaching. Coaches such as Brad Stevens at Butler and Shaka Smart at Virginia Commonwealth University are “in big demand,” he says, because they build up and get the most out of their players rather than just relying on superstars.

The culture may be shifting, but it still “allows and excuses situations that put athletics before basic human dignity,” and players should have more protections to prevent future situations like the one at Rutgers, says Ramogi Huma, founder and president of the National College Players Association, which advocates for reforms in college athletics.

Most of the players under Rice at Rutgers were “willing to sustain physical abuse rather than risk their scholarship” to defend themselves or speak up about it, he says.

Those who did transfer away from Rice’s team were subject to an NCAA rule that takes away a year of eligibility, and that should be retroactively corrected Mr. Huma says. Players should be allowed to transfer once without penalty, he advocates. The NCAA should also make it mandatory for university athletics staff to report suspected abuse of players, he says, and should set up a way for players to report anonymously.

His group is among those calling for Rutgers athletic director Tim Pernetti and President Robert Barchi to be fired. “It seemed as though they hoped [the videos] would never be made public. They put that in front of the well being of their players,” he says.

More than 50 faculty members have called for Mr. Pernetti’s dismissal, and at least 28 have called for Mr. Barchi to resign, citing not only the handling of Rice’s behavior but also a “continued pattern of insensitivity and arrogance toward issues of diversity,” the Associated Press reports.

The Tyler Clementi Higher Education Anti-Harassment Act, authored by congressmen from New Jersey, would require colleges receiving federal student aid to create policies that prohibit harassment of students by fellow students, faculty, or staff. Unlike many state laws, it would explicitly ban harassment based on actual or perceived sexual orientation and gender identity.

Tyler Clementi killed himself while a student at Rutgers after his roommate watched him via webcam in an encounter with another man and tweeted about it – an incident that helped accelerate a strong antibullying law in New Jersey.

This was a regrettable episode for the University, but I completely support the decision to remove Coach Rice.  It was the right and necessary action to take in light of the conduct displayed on the videotape. 

Parents entrust their sons to the Rutgers athletic department and the men’s basketball program at an incredibly formative period of their lives. The way these young men were treated by the head coach was completely unacceptable and violates the trust those parents put in Rutgers University.  All of the student-athletes entrusted to our care deserve much better.

Gov. Chris Christie

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